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Nu metal, neck tattoos on hardcore posers, Front magazine, Formula 1, Call of Duty, people having babies, littering, internet pornography, bad manners and bad diets - all of these things I detest and they all float about on a luminous sea of shitty energy drinks like Relentless, Monster, Rockstar, and Pussy. Everything wrong with the World today can probably be traced to back to an X-treme asshole drinking a massive can of energy drink with a flat billed cap on. They really burn my shit and they seriously need to get the fuck out of my face. I have no need for energy drinks in my life: if you're tired whilst sober, drink coffee. If you're tired whilst drunk, drink gin. If your tired and not thirsty; go to fucking bed. If you want to feel insane, like lightning bolts will shoot out of your eyes and kill someone, then drink a larger amount of gin - there is no need for any other drink besides water. Drinking energy drinks turns you into a complete, 100%, bone fide, top shelf, grade A* ugly wimp (and you probably smell bad too).
Most mornings on my way to work I pass a line of teenagers walking to school in their stupid, despondent teenage way. More often than not I'll see a couple of them avin' a little swig on a pint can of grim energy drink at eight in the morning. When I see this, a feeling of dread overcomes me and I know that as soon as I step into a classroom with those energy filled psychopaths my day will turn into a blinding shitstorm real fuckin' quick. If they're not on the edge of some some sugar induced seizure with super dilated pupils then they're slouching on their desk on a massive, soul-destroying sugar come down. I love to spot the kids who've OD'd, are face down on their textbooks, and are feeling the energy drink woe. I love to nag and torment them when they are in this fragile state, after all they've been making life miserable whilst high on their vile energy drink for the last few hours. "Sit up, pick up your pen and do some work....NOW!" Or I like sitting down next to them talking through the work so they have to come up with something good before I'll leave them alone, until then I sit there and watch them squirm with embarrassment in front of their friends. Haha, Sir's a dick.
I have tried to conduct some serious research with teenagers about the appeals of energy drinks and have discovered there is no good reason for swallowing that corporate, poisonous diarrhoea shit-swill. Here is my conclusive evidence based on the three most popular answers to my question, "Why are you drinking that disgusting crap?" followed by the deconstruction of the rubbish answers with my deeply smart and informed science brain.
"They taste nice."
They taste like sweets. Grow up.
"They help me concentrate."
No they don't.
"They give me energy."
Food and sleep gives you energy, dipshit.
I hope this in-depth study has left you without a shred of doubt that energy drinks are the spunk of Satan exclusively drank by little wieners and several other fine examples of human colostomy bags. Rise above this nonsense trend and achieve your inner potential as an excellent human being who doesn't need "a big bad buzz" to get through the day. If you loose the way just remember: gin and coffee, brothers and sisters, gin and coffee.
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