Monday, 19 October 2009

Since I no longer care for the real world I have created a short list of sci fi women who I think should be promoted to a less fictional status.

1. Dr Ellie Sattler in classic Paelobotanist outfit in Jurassic Park.

2. Trinity in her normal Zion clothes, not that goth shit of The Matrix.

I also discovered a Dr Ellie lookalike in Plymouth who I will soon start a quest for. I served her drinks on friday night and tried to keep my cool infront of ultimate dream girl. She wasn't wearing denim shorts, boots, shirt and a neckerchief but she was still a total babe.

At my other job on Friday I also spent alot of time reading a fantasy novel called A Spell for Chameleon. It freaked me out so much that I could barely concentrate on answering the phone to stupid art fags asking about the latest French films. Everytime one of them interrupted me I tried to banish them with some powerful magic. I have given up trying to read respectable books. Give me a story about magicians and unicorns anyday, especially sexy ones like the Xanth series. The guy gets a handjob off some mermaids whilst escaping an underwater cave.

Top 5 Xanth titles:

1. Question Quest

2. Faun and Games

3. Zombie Lover

4.Crewel Lye

5.The Dastard

Thursday, 8 October 2009

Glass and Ashes Interview

Just over a year ago not only was I a semi employed fuck up, I was a SEFU who enjoyed drugs. No more I tells ya.The problem with "feel good drugs" is that after a while people find themselves unable to have fun without them which is pretty lame. Thankfully I started realising how magnificent booze can be, as well as riding my bike whilst talking to myself. I don't feel an inclination to do drugs again, as I'm not a fan of the ROARING HELL feeling of the next day, but here's an interview from issue 8 Lucida Console with Glass and Ashes which suffers a somewhat scrambled start thanks to a scrambled brain. In other news check out Glass and Ashes new band LoveBird I think the link is broken. Sorry.

Glass and Ashes Interview

Chicken…gravy. Mushroom…gravy.

Your name and what do you do in Glass and Ashes?

You’re recording right now?


My name is Josh I play guitar and sing back up. That’s what I do do.

What’s your favorite beer?

It depends. Am I on a budget or do I have a lot of money to spend? Because if I have a lot of money to spend I’ll buy Stella or Newcastle. But if I’m on a budget I’ll buy Pabst Blue Ribbon.

What do you think of Michelob Ultra?

I think its total crap. Michelob and Miller I can’t drink. And Coors I can’t drink… [Cut in the tape]…where are you on the tape?

I wouldn’t worry about it, the side I’m recording over is Terror.

Are you recording over our interview?

No, no no. [I was.]

No, we’re continuing the recording right now. You’re could do the whole zine on this interview. You’re going to have fucking hours. [Cut]

[Resumed with singer and bassist Mike Carter, I don’t know what the question was because I started the tape after I’d asked it]

When we did the record my Father passed away, a lot of relationships kinda died, all of our friends moved away. It’s kind of like the death of hope. Uh, there’s so many different aspects of life so it’s [the new record] a lot to do with acceptance, realizing a lot things. It’s not a downer, like death and dying, just the realization of things.

Yeah, you were saying something about that on stage I think, like taking something you care for and really going for it.

Well yeah…it’s really easy to get involved with people kind of shitting on you, uh putting yourself up against a wall and if you have one fragment of something that excites you or that you love then you have to grab hold of it, if it’s the only thing you have. If it’s your friends, family, or something like music or art. Huh, what’s that?

I love that guy a lot [pointing at a friend]. Fuck this man, he inspires me.

I think you should tell him that right now.

No, I’ve already told him a lot of times tonight.


[Cut away again to the actual interview with guitarist Jesse Jenny and drummer Armand Anthony]

Ok, question number three! There’ll be deeper questions.

J: Oh yeah, we’re just getting serious. Let’s get deep.

Ventura County is notorious for stoners…

J: I thought it was more speed freaks?

Oh, well when I went there…

J: You got stoned?

Uh, no I didn’t. But the guy I stayed with must have thrown about a pound of weed at my head and said “Have you ever seen so much weed?!”

A: You should give me his number man. We live there and we don’t see that!

Well, for me Simi Valley and Ventura is notorious for stoners, yet you make music that sounds like a stoner’s worst nightmare, what’s up with that?

J: Yeah, I mean I smoke here and there and we have a lot of friends who are big stoners. Actually where I live, we live in the cheapest of an expensive area, basically a very small neighborhood with about 20 friends on the same street, and a couple of the bands…Ox vs. Thunderbird, The Fucking Wrath…heavy, amazing Sabbath influenced stoner rock. They’re big stoners, watch out for them. I mean, even stoners play crazy music. I guess we’re functional stoners, we don’t slow down. The Ritalin effect you know, if you don’t need it, it makes you fuckin’ crazy! I don’t know.

Do you guys skate at all?

J: I skated for 8 years and I haven’t skated for 8 years. I’d rather keep this hand for guitar instead, broken
wrist, broken thumbs, ouch!
A: No good for rock riffage.
J: Bad ankles now. I can’t skate, I shouldn’t skate, I shan’t skate!

If you going to say that, you might as well lay off jerkin off as well.

J: I like to jerk off too. It’s very fun. But I’m working shit out there, I’m not breaking it. I’m limber.

Have you ever been with a valley girl?

A: [Nods] Hmm.
J: Yes. I think the first one I had fun with when I moved to Southern California might have been. I mean she was like “Ok, its cool! Everything’s… yah alright!”

Just like the Frank Zappa song. Hey Armand, you look like Frank Zappa!

A: That’s the fifth time I’ve had that.
J: He’s getting the Zap-man everytime!
A: Ringo, fuckin…Derek Smalls from Spinal Tap. The ‘Tap! One of my main influences.

So did you loose your virginity to a valley girl?

J: No.

No? Ok. This leads us on to the next question: what’s the most romantic thing you’ve done for a girl?

J: Well I had a girlfriend once for a really short time before Valentines Day, so I didn’t know whether to get super romantic and buy roses because the colour of the rose means a lot. Red rose is love, yellow roses are more friendship, so what I did because it was only a couple of months in…because I figured girls like chocolate; I went to 7 Eleven and bought a bunch of chocolate bars and two bottles of champagne and surprised her at her apartment because I figured that was a romantic thing to do for a girl that I haven’t known that long but was feeling really good about.

Did it work out?

J: Yes, it did. But I got really wasted and I don’t know…it did work out good, things are fine.

Things are still fine?!

J: Yeah, same girl.


A: Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t. I gave up on romance.

I can tell by your moustache.

A: Shots of whiskey is my romance. If you come and get pissed with me, then you’re in. Let’s go! That’s it.

If you ever did skate, which you did…

Favorite skateboarder?!

Ok, yeah favorite skateboarder? Let’s go with that.

John Cardiel.

Shame he broke his back.

Yeah, it’s a shame he broke his back, but its good thing he’s still skating. He’s the gnarliest skateboarder I’ve ever skated with, and seen skate.

You skated with John Cardiel?!

I’m from Northern California. I grew up skating with John Cardiel, Chris Senn, Phil shao. It’s small up there, you go skate in a park and you end up skating with the Cards.

Do you know the skate park in Ventura called Skate Street?

J: I worked there.

Did you work there when New Found Glory filmed their video in the bottom of the half pipe?

J: Oh shit, I don’t think so. Well they changed two different locations. When I worked there a lot of kids were
saying [puts on a really camp teenager pussy voice] “Oh, this isn’t the fuckin’ skate park they played in!”
A: We played there before. I don’t care man. They started doing shows there, and they set up bands in the
half pipe.
J: We played at the top of that wedge ramp that was way high!
A: There were kids jumping off the ramp and sliding into the pit, like bowling.
J: The first Skate Street was a rad venue too. Like play on the vert ramp, play on the other ramp, a full blown
venue. A lot of good bands, it was cool.
A: It closed down recently. What happened was the original guy who started it died a few years back, and then after he died the people who took it over ended up cutting the skate park in half and building a big ass venue. And had this small skate park and this rad venue which was one of the best venues from LA to Santa Barbara.
J: The problem though is that there’s a lot of religion involved in the place. They didn’t give a fuck about you, they didn’t give you a raise, paid you minimum wage. It was a second job for no money.

You mentioned Santa Barbara, are you into Lagwagon?

J: I liked them when I was in High School. There’s not a lot of music I grew out of, a lot of the music I was into then like Samiam and Jawbreaker...

You like Jets to Brazil?

J: Of course. No. Well some. I like that song which goes bu-nuh-ne-ne-bu-nuh-ne-ne-bu-nuh-ne-ne-bu-nuh-ne-ne.

Morning New Disease! This was going to be my last question, but I feel there will be more, and because you’re from America; Apple pie or fake tits?

Both: Apple pie. Easy.
J: Wait is that some European slang, apple pie?

No, just a simple question, simple answer. Moving on, have you ever been in a street gang?

J: I wish. I wanna be a Crip!
A: No, well sort of. It’s kind of world wide actually. The Stingrays, you won’t know unless you’re in. We get drunk basically. There’s initiations, but I can’t tell you because it’s top secret, but you’ll know! It’s like the Mafia.
J: He’s half Italian half Greek.

Woah! What a great combo! Does this mean you get the chicks?!

A: I don’t know. Where are they?
J: He drags his net deep and long, but sometimes it doesn’t snag.

Who is the most attractive band on No Idea?

J: Let me think about this one gosh, are you meaning former bands or…? Either way it’s not helping me right now. How about the most attractive band - Planes Mistaken for Stars for their sex factor, second North Lincoln, Brian Beckwith is the teddy bear who I think is a fuckin’ hot motherfucker, Kevin and John I forget their last names.

All these bands appeal to people who are into rugged looking guys.

J: Yeah, thuggish ruggish! Chuck Ragan is still a construction worker, he’s a big guy. He’s burly.

Is having a beard a prerequisite of being on No Idea?

J: Basically to get signed to have to have at least two inches of growth on you, which I don’t think anyone has at the moment. But once you’re on, you’re on, and you can shave all you want. Beards not bombs.

I know you’re from Ventura, but have you ever been to Venice beach?

J: Skating?
A: I smoked a bong there.

No, I mean Muscle Beach!

J: They wouldn’t let me in! I wanna go in, and I think they have good tank tops and sunglasses there. But, I think I’m buff, I mean I’m totally ripped but I guess the muscles aren’t big enough. Last time I was there, there were women who were buffer than three times my size, and their butt cheeks would probably break my face. No I can’t do it man, we’re not allowed there.
[There was some wild talk of tough guys here which led to this from Jesse]
All I gotta say though is the new Rambo is an amazing movie. One of our funnest night’s on tour, even though it was so mellow and we had been partying so hard every night, we had a night with just really good homemade wine and homemade plum schnapps in Friedberg Germany with this great guy called Christophe. Smoked a bunch of hash, drank a bunch of homemade wine, watched the new Rambo, followed by the new Rocky, and ended with Planet Terror and we all slept great that night. It’s got to the point where we could do with another one of them.

[At this point I handed the Dictaphone to Roo whilst Armand and I discussed booze, girls, and Skate Street skate park. All that followed was some rubbish about the Rambo films. The interview picks up again with Roo’s most worthwhile question.]

Have steroids ever been attractive to you?

J: Uh, well I take the ‘roids, they’re just not kicking in yet.
A: There’s been a lot of lifting up of glasses.
J: Hey, have you ever seen mountains move? [Flexes muscles]

Come on guy, I interviewed Terror.

J: Are they buff?

The singer Scott Vogel can bench press 300 pounds!

A: By the time this tour has ended I may have drank 300 pints...
J: We might spend about 300 pounds…tonight. We party too much, not enough time to work out, we’re working out our livers. We’re on No Idea man, come on.
A: We’re working our insides out.

Are there any assumptions surrounding Glass and Ashes?

A: We’re hangout-core, you know?
J: The only rumours that I’ve heard are like about at a lot of the shows in the States you can’t drink at, so you hear a lot of flak sometimes, like “Oh, the Glass and Ashes dudes are out, they’re drinking in the van!” We like to party, so we party. Not saying we do a bunch of insane shit, we drink, we high five, we yell sometimes. We like to get night-zoo.

I think that’s it, let’s go out somewhere.

A: Yeah, fuck this.

Thank you though, for doing this. Cheers to you!

A: Yeah, cheers! Hear the glass.
J: Clankees!

Aren't you a little short for a Stormtrooper?

Here's a new article about being on the dole. It's not quite finished but I'd rather be off the dole when I complete it. Hopefully by the time the new issue comes out, this dole article will be a retrospective piece and I'll be getting my anorexic dick sucked by Peaches Geldof on coke. Yeah, those days will rule.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being on the Dole
I haven’t worked a 5 day week since 2004, so I guess it’s only natural that my casual attitude to employment meant that I was the first sucker to wind up on job seekers allowance when the recession kicked in. It ain’t bad, it ain’t good, it’s nothing. Being on the dole just makes me think of overcast days, white noise, catshit, and nu metal. At first I was deeply frustrated at my failures and tried in vain to find a job which would somehow justify my existence. But JSA is like taking too much drugs, fight it and you’ll go all mental in the head. Go with it, and you might just totally expand your mind and have a jolly good time. Of course there will be the terrible moments where you’ll feel like you’ve betrayed your very birth, but try to ignore those. Here’s some helpful tips.

1. Don’t be a haggard masturbator, for fuck sake.
Everyone expects you to be a lay about, playing computer games, drinking, and constantly wanking out of sheer boredom. Well, try not jerking off for as long as possible, it has magical effects. One can spend a whole afternoon sitting in mild frenzy watching spunky young art students go about their delightful business. Some of my best nights out have been in the grip of a two week masturbating fast, walking around with lightning in your loins, ready to fuck even the beastliest wench. However, being in this state has led to some of the more “short lived” sex jams when even putting on a condom was a chore.

2. Fare Dodging
It’s important to get about so you don’t get miserable as sin. Killing yourself because you’re poor is no excuse. Best get yourself out of your normal scenery for a while, the further away the better. Especially if there’s a chance of getting some tail. Just don’t let the job centre find out where you‘ve gone! One day in April I had the opportunity to catch a one way ride up to Swansea to watch Bridge and Tunnel which I couldn’t pass up. My bank account was looking anorexic as per usual, certainly not enough for a return ticket so I knew I’d have to be a wily little fellah to get back to my house, 250 miles away. The show was great fun, a meager amount of grog was drank and I even achieved an impressive “Chubby in the Clubby”. Afterwards some kindly fellows gave me a lift back to Exeter, where upon I succeeded in jumping a train all the way back to Cornwall. Here’s the sneaky techniques I used to get free travel:
> If there happens to be a delayed train, catch that one instead - they’re not so likely to be
checking tickets.
> Normally when a train pulls into a station the conductor gets out to look at the people getting on
and off, try to avoid being seen and note which end of the train the conductor is, then get on the
opposite end.
> Take some ear plugs, put your hood up and pull the sleeping position known as “the napping
mongoloid”. Close your eyes, dribble, let your arms hanging freely. Look a little bit mental.
They’ll only wake you up if they possess an actual hatred of mankind.
> Leave your stuff in the luggage area and proceed calmly to the WC. Take a book, take a seat,
take your time, 30 – 45 minutes isn’t suspect in the least, and if you actually pooh whilst sitting
there, even better. If someone happens to knock, say in the dumbest Midlands accent “LEAVE

3. Stay in bed for as long as possible.
I usually get out of bed when it hurts to lie in every position. Imagine you’re one of those hotdogs you see at the cinema, slowly cooking on all sides on a hot metal griddles. At the point where I consider myself a “well cooked sausage” I know that I’m ready to start the afternoon with hardcore fucking vim and vigor.

4. Remember: Take, take, take.
No one’s expecting you to be a Saint – you’re poor as shit and you need to live. Don’t shoplift unless you’re good at it, just take all that free crap that’s there to be taken; toilet paper from the public toilet, herbs from your neighbour’s wallgarden, condiment sachets, your housemates medicated mouthwash (containing ethanol for booze fresh breath), and all those delicious unattended drinks down boozer.

5. Eat with the times.
Since signing on six months ago my diet has become like that of a little street urchin circa 1941 in Nazi occupied Poland. Suffering makes you a better person but going hungry makes you all crazy, trying to find a comfortable middleground can be difficult. I normally eat root vegetable soups and bread, it combats the psychosis but still gives me that down and out vibe that drives the ladies wild.
My favourite dinner is borscht, Russian beetroot soup. It kicks ass! Aside from the morale boosting after-effects of having pink piss and purple turds, beetroot soup tastes far out. Cheap as fuck and you can make it last the whole week if needs be. Find your own recipe, because it’ time for Short Crust.

Thursday, 1 October 2009

"Humour. It's a difficult concept." - Saavik, Star Trek II

For some unknown reason this week has just been shit from the offset. On monday afternoon after a breakfast of peanut butter eggy-bread my friend Greg proclaimed that he was disillusioned with life. This was shortly followed by a short speech explaining why life wasn't worth living. "I'm sick of living on the breadline, and I'm sick of eating fucking bread!" And with this he jumped out his seat and slashed the poster of the Crocus, Bangers, and Lavotchkin Berlin show in half with a massive kitchen knife. This display of hopeless frustration at the world set the tone for the week. Infact I can't even dwell on it any longer - I gotta go ride my bike. In brief, no new article this week because I'm fed up. See ya next time. Here's the guide to happiness from issue 5. But incase that's too cheerful, here's a quote from Star Trek summing up the despondancy of a generation, The Next Generation.

Data - "There's nothing out there; absolutely nothing."
Geordi - "Well it's a damn ugly nothing."