Monday, 30 July 2012

Energy drink is street legal crystal meth for crybaby teenage wimp assholes

shit drink

good drink

shit drink

good drink

shit drink

good drink

Nu metal, neck tattoos on hardcore posers, Front magazine, Formula 1, Call of Duty, people having babies, littering, internet pornography, bad manners and bad diets  - all of these things I detest and they all float about on a luminous sea of shitty energy drinks like Relentless, Monster, Rockstar, and Pussy. Everything wrong with the World today can probably be traced to back to an X-treme asshole drinking a massive can of energy drink with a flat billed cap on. They really burn my shit and they seriously need to get the fuck out of my face. I have no need for energy drinks in my life: if you're tired whilst sober, drink coffee. If you're tired whilst drunk, drink gin. If your tired and not thirsty; go to fucking bed. If you want to feel insane, like lightning bolts will shoot out of your eyes and kill someone, then drink a larger amount of gin - there is no need for any other drink besides water. Drinking energy drinks turns you into a complete, 100%, bone fide, top shelf, grade A* ugly wimp (and you probably smell bad too).

Most mornings on my way to work I pass a line of teenagers walking to school in their stupid, despondent teenage way. More often than not I'll see a couple of them avin' a little swig on a pint can of grim energy drink at eight in the morning. When I see this, a feeling of dread overcomes me and I know that as soon as I step into a classroom with those energy filled psychopaths my day will turn into a blinding shitstorm real fuckin' quick. If they're not on the edge of some some sugar induced seizure with super dilated pupils then they're slouching on their desk on a massive, soul-destroying  sugar come down. I love to spot the kids who've OD'd, are face down on their textbooks, and are feeling the energy drink woe. I love to nag and torment them when they are in this fragile state, after all they've been making life miserable whilst high on their vile energy drink for the last few hours. "Sit up, pick up your pen and do some work....NOW!" Or I like sitting down next to them talking through the work so they have to come up with something good before I'll leave them alone, until then I sit there and watch them squirm with embarrassment in front of their friends. Haha, Sir's a dick.

I have tried to conduct some serious research with teenagers about the appeals of energy drinks and have discovered there is no good reason for swallowing that corporate, poisonous diarrhoea shit-swill. Here is my conclusive evidence based on the three most popular answers to my question, "Why are you drinking that disgusting crap?" followed by the deconstruction of the rubbish answers with my deeply smart and informed science brain.

"They taste nice."
They taste like sweets. Grow up.

"They help me concentrate."
No they don't.

"They give me energy."
Food and sleep gives you energy, dipshit.

I hope this in-depth study has left you without a shred of doubt that energy drinks are the spunk of Satan exclusively drank by little wieners and several other fine examples of human colostomy bags. Rise above this nonsense trend and achieve your inner potential as an excellent human being who doesn't need "a big bad buzz" to get through the day. If you loose the way just remember: gin and coffee, brothers and sisters, gin and coffee.

Tuesday, 10 July 2012

Angsty Geyser

Dog Days Three came out about three weeks ago to little fanfare. Barely a parp has been heard in response to such a ground-breaking piece of shit. Perhaps it's the fact I haven't been selling it or mentioning it to anyone. One fellow came up to me at a show last week and asked if I was the guy "who wrote the zines". I prepared my self for some flattery but instead he told me that I shouldn't be mean about a guy I had mentioned in it."He worships you guys," he said rather curtly, "he'd be crushed if he found out you were making fun of him. All I ask is that you just be nice to him." Then he turned around and walked off. Hmph.

If you're like that sensitive fellow and have read Dog Days Three, you'll have discovered that the first half of the zine is a diary of my job as a teaching assistant whereby I recount the woe of being a sponge for teenage angst in a secondary school. I can't believe some of the shit I hear. Last week I had two real fucked up and stupid encounters in one lesson: one kid asked me what was so bad about Nazis and I had to tell him that they were insane racist, homophobic mass murderers and that's just for starters. Then this part-animal girl threw a bottle across the room and wouldn't stop shouting and banging the table, so I told her not to be so rude and disrespectful to everyone else in that room trying to learn. At lunch time she asked me, "How was I being disrespectful? It's not like I raped you." What the fuck?! She's twelve years old and this is how she talks to adults. Fuck a shit! I tried to explain the implications of what she had just said to me but it was no use, she was surrounded by her group of loud, giggly friends and told me "You can't get me into trouble." I can goddamn try my hardest you little wretch!

Yesterday one of the other teaching assistants told me she overheard the same girl in a lesson saying, "Mr Adams has got a girlfriend...I saw him get out of the RE teacher's car and do up his trousers!" Then went back on this notion of me being straight (not that it fucking matters or is any of her fucking fat-bod business) by saying, "Mr Adams is gay. That's why he has a beard and wears tight trousers!" This friday she is being suspended and next year she's being moved away from her annoying friends, so hopefully in the future she might learn some manners and shut her big poopy whore mouth. It scares me when people that young act so vulgarly towards other people. I've met farm animals with better manners.

So, in terms of meaness I am quite familiar with how mean people can be to one another but I'd rather not be. This world is slowly being fucked by mindless, hateful and selfish people. I may be shit at my job but I am not an advocate of meanness, racism, homophobia, or pollution/waste. I'm trying to teach kids how to be socially acceptable crust punks. But this shit just ain't flying. I was so annoyed by this girl that I drew this picture of her for my housemates, so that when they got up for work they'd be greeted by her cheery personalilty.

If you fancy reading any other grim stories from the school I work in or the much more positive tour diary order one HERE. If I'm still at this job after the summer holidays expect this to become a full time school diary blog. I can believe I've wasted such a golden opportunity!