Wednesday, 23 January 2013

Bill and Ted were having an excellent adventure

Keanu Reeves 
Actor, Producer, Nymphomaniac
1961 - 2008

The Bi-o:
Keanu Fizzy Prince Reeves was born in 1969, just off the side of the main stage at Woodstock where his parents were working as full-time crusty fuck-ups. At the time his mother, Wizardsleeves Reeves, was experiencing a hellfire trip on brown acid and wasn't sure if she'd just given birth or if she'd just hallucinated it. She was later quoted saying, "Just as Jimi Hendrox started jamming out some bona fide riffage I had the unpleasant sensation that I'd just dropped my guts but then I felt something clawing at my leg...I slowly looked down and there was a fuckin' blood soaked gremlin shrieking at my feet! I nearly lost my shit...I had no idea that I was pregnant with Keanu." Many have speculated that it was this early rocking and rolling experience that had a major impact on Keanu, who later went on to play bass guitar in a band very few people cared about.

His childhood years were a whirlwind of glue-sniffing and cheap pussy. At his kindergarden in Toronto he would often be seen doing chin-ups on the monkey bars whilst the rest of his classmates drank warm milk and played stink finger. Many of his teachers struggled with his rockstar persona and letters home would become a normal part of the Reeves household. In the final year of junior high he would keep his Ray-Bans on in the classroom and would proclaim education to be "jerk-off bullshit for dorks". It was this appetite for drama that inspired him thumb it down to California and "make it big" in Hollywood aged only 12. He vowed never to go back to Toronto, saying he'd wasted too much time there already.

However, life in Hollywood wasn't easy for Reeves and he quickly learnt that in order to make it BIG, first you had to make it BI. Amazingly it was his natural skill at turning tricks that led to his first big break: a lead role along side Rivers Phoenix in the movie My Own Private Idaho which documented the lives of two young hustlers in LA, gettin' laid just to survive -a theme prevalent in almost all of Reeves' films to date. This lucky break, which came off the back of a chance meeting in a bathroom stall, led to Reeves coining the well known Hollywood phrase, "It's not who you know, it's who you blow."

After this surprising smash hit, box-office-big-boy Keanu's life became a non-stop roller coaster ride of "excellent adventures" and "bogus journeys". For every crowd pleasing Point Break there came a cinematic shitstorm like Johnny Mnemonic. Disillusioned with show business Reeves decided to become your "Average Joe"; much to the disarray of his loyal fans who were craving more of his studly manner. Not to be dissuaded by any man, he got an office job, a small apartment and shed his most famous asset - that rock star ego. He settled his new life but soon enough he was back at his weird old way, getting up to no-good punk-rock shit. Growing tired with his 9-5 life he soon found escape in the internet and developed an unhealthy interest in hacking. Before long he was rubbing people up the wrong way and eventually got involved in some fuckin' crazy computer bullshit which lead to his biggest box office hit to date - a documentary of his attempts to lead the life of an "Average Joe" between the years 1999 and 2003 called The Matrix.

The Romance and further bio.
Reeves is a unashamed whore and has had an incredible amount of relationships, been linked to bizarre occultist sex orgies and has had more STDs than James Bond and Jim Morrison combined. However, the most shockingly fact about Reeves' love-life is the brevity of his relationships - most lasting for just an hour and a half. His longest and most memorable relationship occurred in 1989 on the set of Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. Alex Winters (Bill) and Reeves were literally seeing double when they met up with "the babes" in Ye Olde England whilst on their famous time-travelling pussy binge. Reeves and Winters were so taken with the pair of princesses that they by-passed all formalities and decided to fucking kidnap them! Not before singing them Poison's Every Rose Has It's Thorn of course ...and who says romance is dead! Sadly for Reeves, the pair only stuck together until 1991, when Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey was filmed. The "babe" Fraizer Bane, later claimed that Keanu had never actually bothered to learn her real name, and moreover she was becoming increasingly uncomfortable with her role in Wlyd Stallyns as "keyboard babe". The relationship was doomed and they split up just after post production. The wild plains of romance were desolate for many years, with only Lori Petty from Point Break and Carrie-Anne Moss from The Matrix to satiate Reeves' thirst for hard fucking. It was during this bleak time in his life when he was snapped by paparazzi mongoloids trying to enjoy a sandwich on a park bench by himself which led to an internet meme called "Sad Keanu" which poked fun of his inability to sustain a long and meaningful relationships. Many people ignored the fact that Reeves had revolutionised the internet during the Average Joe period (1999-2003) of his life and used the medium to repeatedly stab him in the back...and in the heart.

Fed up with the persona he had created for himself, he decided to time travel back to India, 1928 in search of some class A, untainted pussy. Whilst trekking though the mountains of Karakoram he touched some fragments of ancient Alien shit and was reborn Klaatu. In turn, another Keanu Reeves documentary was born - The Day the Earth Stood Still. It was during this time that he met his true love - Jennifer Connelly. The documentary culminated with Reeves' making the biggest decision of his life - eat Jennifer Connnelly's pussy, or die. Luckily for us, Reeves chose to die. He saved mankind from itself and now exists as a thin layer of gas surrounding Planet Earth.

The Films
Bill and Teds's Excellent Fucking Adventure (1989)
Bill and Teds's Bogus Fucking Journey (1991)
Much Ado About Fucking Nothing (1993)
My Own Private Fucking Idaho (1993)
Johnny Mnenofuckingmonic (1997)
The Fucking Matrix (1999)
The Day The Fucking Earth Stood Still (2008)

The Trademarks

Sexy face
Nice voice
Cool Hair
Big, Hairy Balls

Tuesday, 15 January 2013


Standing in a blackened forest which stretches for as far as the eye can see, I have the strange sensation that I'm suddenly going to fly off somewhere and do something awful. Next thing I've shot off across the dark tree tops at a terrible speed. Taking an abrupt dive straight into the jagged mouth of a cave and winding far down deep into the Earth I swiftly arrive at the gates of hell. Once there, I know what I have to do - open these Gaddamned gates and release something good and shitty on the generation of swine inhabiting the Planet. I am a little apprehensive and decide to only open them for an hour. Using my incredibly powerful psychic brain I manage to open the hell portal; I feel horrified and excited and I know this is very naughty. Out of the reddish brown rock a grim little demon face appears and I start to feel like shitting myself - there is the sense of something unfeeling and massively violent behind me. Whipping around like maddened dog, I am faced with a naked Anne Hathaway with a ugly looking strap-on dildo dangling between her legs. She has mean, sexy eyes but I feel no fear; just a sexually confused awkwardness, like a dumb teenager. Those mean, sexy eyes shoot straight past me and fix upon the half-crazed, fully nude demon-girl who has also appeared in the hot, dusty cave. Demon Anne Hathaway wastes no time and is soon pumping the Demon girl senseless with her swarthy strap-on and although the sex is vicious and Satanic, the tenderness between the two is obvious. The Demon girl asks to reduce the size of the strap-on and Anne does so immediately, psychotelekenetically. The two writhe on the ground in ecstasy and the cave becomes unbearably hot with sticky heat, sweat and pure Satanic lust - salt stings my eyes but I can't turn away, yet at no point do I feel I can join in. I stand there awkwardly aware of the fact that Demon Anne Hathaway is doing a far better job than I ever could in twenty thousand life times of sexual experience. I am small in both mind and penis. The two Demons pay me no heed, their screams of pleasure of deafening and shrinking me mentally and physically. The strap-on plunges in and out non-stop and it has started glowing red with a furious heat - the Demon girl's orgasm is powerful: a torrent of Demonic juices. They have finished and lay in a panting pile. I start to realise how inconsequential my every action is, life is worthless and I am less than a fart. They start to laugh and vapourise - the portal has been open for an hour and they are vanishing back to their own dimension. I turn away, rest my forehead against the cave wall and start to cry. No one is here now and I am despondent and desperately alone. I paid the price for opening the gates of hell, I have been made to feel utterly non-existent by Anne Hathaway and her strap-on. I have experienced Hell and now I have a long walk home.