Friday, 4 November 2011

Screenplay #6

Fat Shifters

Slater Wilcox

High paid jobs and get fit regimes are the new cocaine for yuppie pussies. Bums are trampled to death by joggers, stray dogs are hideously scalded by steaming cappuccinos, and loners experience major social suspension. In this cruel world of the have and have nots who can cut the mustard and who’s just cuttin’ the cheese?


Jon and Julia jog down the street in jogging tights, talking about the latest episode of THE BIG BANG THEORY.

Jon: Did you see it last night? It was hysterical! There was a bit where Jared nearly got laid but he didn’t cuz he’s too annoying and socially awkward to get any of the pussy that’s banging. But it is funny right? HA!

They neatly side step a lonely looking fellow with no friends.

Julia: Eurgh, did you see that guy? I think he was checking out my camel toe. Pervert.

Jon: Your camel toe? No way Jules, he was checking out my M-C-T.

Julia: MCT?

Jon: Yeah, Male Camel Toe. And my camel toe is way bigger than yours.

Julia: Nuh-uh! [Hoiks her jogging bottoms up to accentuate her camel toe]

Jon slows his jogging pace, looks down at the contours of Julia’s newly configured camel toe and nods in an impressed manner. They then continue to jog in silence for a minute or two.

Jon: Where shall we eat tonight? Or do you wanna get something easy from Waitrose? I kind of fancy getting something from Waitrose, work today was so boring and I need something delicious to perk me up. Karen at work has such an attitude problem, she bosses everyone around and she’s not even senior management! I mean where the hell does she get off on that?

[They start to cross a high bridge which runs over a murky, sinister looking river]

Julia: Yeah, that is kind of weird and Jesus Jon, FUCKING BORING. I can’t live in a world when I have to start competing with you over camel toes! Go to hell MOTHERFUCKERRRRRR......

Julia abruptly cuts away from Jon and takes a running leap over the barrier, headfirst off the bridge.

1 comment:

  1. Loads of joggers in London look like they are smuggling croissants down their running shorts.

    I only feel 10% bad for starring.