Thursday, 21 July 2011

Suck my Dickens

Back off tour, feeling downbeat and miserable. This last tour was amazing. El Morgan and The State Lottery made me like I had reached the pinnacle of human happiness. I don't think I could have had a better time. I got home and hit a trough of dispair. I feel like everything is tiresome dogshit but I have no reason. Anyway, enough of the moping; here's the first draft of an idea I had whilst reading Roger Mellie's Profanisaurus Rex. I wanted to make a dictionary of touring band slang and here's my first attempt. Fuck on brothers and sisters.

Charles Dickens
A promoter who puts on a shit show in a shit venue. As in "Fucking hell this promoter looks like a right Charles Dickens" Meaning you may have "Great Expectations" but you're in for "Hard Times" in a "Bleak House".

Early Bird Special
When you're the first person to wake up and you get to shit before anyone else.

Party Blanket
When you sleep on the same floor that you partied on.

Punk Pasta
The famous promoter pasta dish which is prepared hours before the show and left to cool. Compromising of ice cold pasta and a thin film of Tesco value tomato sauce. Especially delicious when it's the only thing you've eaten all day.

Terminal Vanlocity
The point in a van journey where you absolutely can't take anymore and flip the fuck out.

Chunky Drive-by
When someone pukes out of the van window whilst in transit, and the vomit hits a pedestrian or the car behind.

I'm done. This is terrible.

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