Crime of Passion

I have become obsessed with Big Brother Skateboarding magazine again. It always happens when I ebay my possessions - I sell them, then a few weeks later want my shit back plus more. It happened when my mum threw away my Smurf collection when I was 20 years old. For years I had these eight smurf figures on the windowsill in my room; I thought they looked cool but it may explain why I so rarely got any pussy - guys with enormous penises and interesting personalities don't have Smurf collections. One day I returned home to find my mum had thrown away my motherfucking smurfs. It wasn't a big deal but over time I couldn't stop thinking about what happened to them. Where had they gone? On some crazy fuckin' smurfin' adventures no doubt. Then I started to miss them and one night shortly afterwards I freaked out and bought 10 smurfs off ebay. I felt very smug and I knew treacherous mother wouldn't dare throw these away cuz then I'd hit her back with 20 more smurfs. When they came in the post the reality of smurfs wasn't as exciting as the prospect and I remembered all the times those little fuckin' smurfs hadn't got me laid. What the fuck does a 20 year old man do with 10 plastic smurf figures? I hid them in shame.

Right now I am selling off my Big Brother collection but it has made me nostalgic. Big Brother went far beyond skateboarding and it was what got me into writing nonsense in the first place. I have also rediscovered my first crush on a completely unattainable girl - Kendra Gaeta. She wrote for Big Brother from about 1993 to 1999. She was cute and made fun out of a lot of serious skateboarders. Last night I couldn't stop thinking about her and in the morning found her myspace page so I could get the picture which appears at the top of this page. I also found a crazy song Wesley Willis sung about her in 1994:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ebVX17u844

I have also uploaded a page from Lucida Console #7 about a real life crush that happened in 2007 that involved neither Smurfs or Kendra but instead, a real life girl! Very banal.

Riders on the fuckin' storm

Friday night was my last fling in Plymouth for a while. I was nervous about moving cities so I turned to the bottle. A gin bender - the worst bender. After the gin was finished, my friends and I went to the local shithole bar and drank a bunch of energy drinks. The gin had made me depressed and aggressive and the enegry drink had made me restless. My mind was a mess and I became socially awkward. I tried to talk to a newly discovered major babe (I thought I knew them all in Plymouth) but had to stop: I had lost control of my motor skills and was in serious danger of acting less-than-sexy. I hurried away from the bar and went to find some consolation in some bins. After half an hour of sticking my head in other people's rubbish I entered into emotional turmoil and quickly returned to my friend's house where I fell asleep on the doorstep. I'm quite glad to be moving away from this fuckin' town and in the future I hope to have less homeless tendencies. It's not getting me laid and I always end up feeling mental. The first step towards reinvention is assuming the mysterious pen name of "Craig". So long Plymouth, hope y'all shit yourselves.

- Craig